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Sunday, July 8th, 2007

(bottom of the ocean)

Subject:Baby I'm Back!
Time:9:50 pm.
i haven't been on here in so long that it feels weird to update. i feel completely out of touch with everyones lives. it has been almost 4 years since i have seen some of my new paltz friend who i miss and think about alot. i hope all is well with everyone. thinks are actually going pretty well for me lately for a change. so lets see ummm life. well lets see shaun and i have moved into my parents house, with my parents...awsome. but actually we are buying their house and they are in the process of building a new one, when i say in the process i mean haven't even started. so inorder to save ourselves some money for this wonderful purchase we bit the bullet and moved in with them. hopefully construction will start very soon because it is getting a little cramped in here. but i guess its good for shaun because he loves my dad and they are always doing something together. shaun and i got engaged on christmas eve which has made for some fun times and has caused my mother to keep asking when i am going to give her grandkids talk about pressure. oh well life life life. okay well i am bored with myself already and tired to i am going to end with wishing everyone a happy and wonderful sunday night.

Wednesday, June 21st, 2006

(bottom of the ocean)

Time:11:02 pm.
just quickly while i was reading lj and not watching netflix i thought about how the other day shaun and i were driving behind this asshole in a mercedes convertible, i call him an asshole not because he was driving a mercedes convertible but because of his license plate which read "inv none" who does that??? kinderhook is becoming the most readiculously exspensive area to live because all these stupid city people keep coming here looking for a nice quiet, quaint small town, with enourmous beautiful houses, you know so they can have a home for the summer or you know just to get away for the weekend. i mean come on martin van buren lived here why wouldn't you want to live here...joking, but he really did live here. anyway due to this enourmous demand to live in this area we are now stuck driving behind these obnoxiously conceited jerks that "envy no one". this is in no way ment to be offensive to my friends who are living in the city i highly doubt any of you would drive around with a license plate that read that and if you would...shame on you!!!

okay i am done.

(1 sunken treasure | bottom of the ocean)

Subject:Rollin' with the Hommies!
Time:10:09 pm.
i think i am in love and his name is netflix...yup i am a loser but at least i am a loser that can "rent" as many movies i want a month for only $15. whoever thought of mailing dvd's to someones house so they don't have to leave and go to the video store...(and this really goes without saying) is not only a genious but a very wealthy person. and not only does he send me movies to my house he also loves me no matter how fat and lazy i get which i will be because of the lack of energy i will be exerting in order to go get these movies. and we wonder why we are the most obese nation go figure.

so i went over to ria's apartment yesterday(after we lived together for about 6 months we went our seperate ways, and got our own apartments, we were those best friends that just couldn't seem to live together) anyway i went over to visit and to help her put things together and set up the place, she has only been living there since may 1st (when i moved in with shaun she moved back home to save money for her own place...long story)and it still looks like she just moved in, she is slowly but surely accumulating furnishings. any how it took us only a couple of hours and shaun's truck and she had the living room basically fully furnished and the kitchen about put together. our reward for this feet...a little shopping trip to buy some more things for the apartment. shaun was so nice as to purchase a beautiful new comforter for our bed. though he was not with us on our shopping trip i charged it to our credit card and called and informed him he bought me a gift. ah isn't he a great boyfriend?

did i mention that on tuesday morning i went on the strangest semi-interview for helping this older woman. it's only 10 hours a week and it's $15 an hour and i would still be able to go into the diner right afterwards so i would be doing pretty okay money wise. so basically mon-fri from 9-11 i would run erronds for her, go grocery shopping, do light cleaning and wash her laundry...not too bad. it would just so happens that i got the job and was all set to start on monday and then today i got a voicemail while i was at the diner from the dentist office who called and wanted to schedule an interview for the dental assistant position. so friday at 8:30am i am ganna go for the interview and wait and see how that goes before i make any decisions. so maybe this is a sign that good things are to come either way...probably not.

shaun just got done making brownies so i am going to go and eat them and then watch me a little netflix movies that way when i get up in the morning i can be shocked when i weight myself and see i gained 2 lbs. what's 2 more to the 15 i have gained. ah mere child's play.

Friday, June 16th, 2006

(bottom of the ocean)

Subject:Week from Hell
Time:6:18 pm.
so the past few days have been pretty interesting, its amazing how quickly things can go from the normal amount of day to day bullshit to "oh my god how the fuck did this all happen?" lets just sum this all up quickly.

since wednesday:
1. shaun almost got fired by his boss become of something that i said to his sister-in-law (the bossses) that was completely and totally taken out of context beause she is nothing but a drunk, and repeated this statment all wrong when...you guessed it she was drunk.
2. i put in a resume for a dental office as a dental assistant, that will train the right person...is it wrong that i dropped it off yesterday and haven't heard back from them and am assuming that i am maybe not the right person?
3. got into a screaming match today outside of the diner with shaun's bosses drunk of a sister-in-law who i was once pretty close to. who had the nerve to think i was in the wrong for being upset she ALMOST GOT SHAUN FIRED!!!
4. called an old friend/boss of mine to ask her some advise on what i should be putting on my resume for things i did while i worked in the law office with her and got roped into going to church with her sunday morning.

i think out of all the things i listed i am most upset about agreeing to go to church with this woman, she put me on the spot and i forgot that she was such a big god lover and i didn't want to say no, correction she caught me so off guard that i couldn't think of a reason to say no other then "i hate the whole idea of churches" so i was kinda stuck. plus i really want to get on her good side because she may hopefully be able to help me find a job, she was the one that got me into that law firm as a secretary to begin with. as pathetic as it sounds i really need to get out of that diner. no matter what lately i am miserable and every job i have gone to in the past two years has been filled with miserable people and you know what they say about misery loving company. maybe thats my problem and why i am so negative lately, more so then usually, because i am surrounded by negativity. ahhh its a nice theory, maybe one day i could challange it and find out how much weight it holds.

sometimes i think i should write a book about my miserable life, but then i start to wonder what about my life would make people want to pick a book up and read about it, except for maybe stories about my grandmother....hmmmm. my luck i would write about her and she would sue me "because you know she is all alone now".

by the way since we are on grandmothers a little story about mine before i go eat dinner. on thursday she came into the diner and was her usual self, but when she was paying her bill she comes over to me and says "here hon its not much but it's all i got" now one would exspect to see a $20 bill in her hand and after i was adimit about refusing her and she asked me "what are you rich or something, you ganna help me out?" to which i said "no just keep you money". it was then and then only did i take a quick peak to see how much money she had in her hands and i guessed it was about $2. now i know that she didn't think that that $2 was really the one thing that was keeping me back from stricking it rich, at least i hope she didn't but come on! oh well at least she has the satisfaction of making herself look like a caring grandmother infront of her friend (whom she conveniently held her hand down low behind the counter so she couldn't see how much money she had) for all that woman knew she was giving me a $50. oh grandmothers.

Tuesday, June 13th, 2006

(bottom of the ocean)

Subject:Sweat Hog
Time:11:13 pm.
so apparently i have become addicted to burning cd's, yup for the past few nights now i have been downloading songs and making myself some cd's because i am cool. so what if it took me 5 years longer then most people to do this but whatever i guess it just makes it that much cooler for me. so i got me some heart, aqualung, fort minor, tegan and sara and others. i'm got me some pretty eclectic taste.

work was stupid weird today i have no clue as to why but it was so scattered, i couldn't wait to get out of there. but instead of me going home i decided to take my already stinking like grease and sweaty body for a walk with george. i could literally smell myself by the time we were done. however even knowing how gross i smelled i still insisted on going into hannaford to get myself some sushi which was worth it by the way. oh well the moral of the story is that i came home and after eating my delicious sushi i took a wonderful shower that made me smell all like sweet peas and my hair was nice and pretty...too bad by 2:30pm tomorrow it will smell like a cheeseburger all over again and stay that way until friday(just for those who may misread this i do however wash my body everyday just not my hair). ahhhh life good times good times. okay time for me to watch me some family guy....it's really the stuff of life.

Sunday, June 11th, 2006

(bottom of the ocean)

Subject:Oh No! There Goes Tokyo Go Go Bridzilla!
Time:12:12 am.
today was absolutely freezing and incredably windy...thank god i got to go to a wedding in this weather that was outside and thank god i went in a skirt because i am not 50 and i don't wear pant suits...though if i had one i might have actually considered wearing it today seeing how cold it was. christ i would have worn a damn snowsuit if i had one. alas i wore a sweater over my t-shirt and as soon as they said "i do" i made a dash for shaun's truck where i had a nice warm pair of jeans waiting for me. can i just tell you how the bride was barking orders even as she was infront of the minister? no wait judge, a judge married them. and when they kissed not only was it uncomfortably long but you could actually see the two of them stick their tounges further and further down each others throats, so bad that i had to look away out of embarrassment for them. it probably didn't help that the bride was loaded before she even walked down the isle which is the only way i can make sense of the fact that 20 minutes after they were married she was so heavily intoxicated walking around with a wine bottle in her hands talking 5x's louder then actually necessary. right? there is no way you can get that drunk in 20 minutes, you have to have already been drinking pretty heavily before hand. i only stayed for about 2 hours because that was the longest my body could handle the cold and i wasn't drinking so of course i was shivering while other people wearing less then i was were perfectly fine, oh well. i went and hung out with one of shaun's friends and his girlfriend who like the bride i also went to school with. shaun picked me up later and apparently had a rocking time which is good for him he needs to get out more and away from me. time to cut the abilical cord i say.

not much else to report today was a better day then i had exspected and i had actually been dreading it but it turned out alright. tomorrow off with ang to see us a little amanda burr...good times good times. i think that some time this summer we should do another weekend camp out party up in amanda's backyard like we did that one 4th of july years ago (which was so much fun i might add) and get all the new paltzians to make a special trip up...ah a simple selfish wish i have since i miss everyone so. okay its late my eyes hurt and i insist on reading a few chapters of my new book choice for this week.

Thursday, June 8th, 2006

(1 sunken treasure | bottom of the ocean)

Subject:crazy grandmas
Time:9:37 pm.
so i just got home from seeing the third xmen and i wasn't all that impressed, don't get me wrong it was pretty good but now as good as i hoped it would be. i always thought that the last in a trillagey should be better then the first two, i mean its the last one none are coming after it. but did you know that there is a little twist at the end after the credits...pretty cool.

so i just got off the phone with an old friend that told me something that makes me think so much less of them. i mean it absolutely blows my mind that some people only care about themselves and their own personal gain, nothing about the people they hurt. and the sucky thing about people like that is that they go through their whole lives hurt others and never care as long as they get what they want at any cost. is it wrong i want to call this person and tell them that i lost all respect for them and i would rather not have someone like that in my life? i know its pointless because people like that nothing fazes them because if it did they wouldn't do most of the things that they do.

i just can't get over the fact there are people out there like that...and no matter what i say to them a supposed great friend means nothing. oh well i guess i should just take this person for what they are and let it go.

in other new my grandmother is a razing luney. and her mission in this world is to make everyone as miserable as she is because remember "she's all alone now". she came into the diner today and decided that because i am her granddaughter that it means i am her personal slave and am supposed to be at her beck and call, like i don't feel shitty enough that as it is having to clean up after other peoples messes. and has the nerve to say to me infront of one of the women that i work with when she was paying her bill "i'm sorry jess i don't have any money to give you this time because i am hardly working" to which i say "its not like i am asking you for any". let me tell you my grandmother will have a bill for $2.11 like she did last week and give me $3.00 for the bill and told me to keep the change (which was $.88). so do not get the misconception that she gives me $20 every time i see her its usually a quarter or like last week $.88 which by the way was the most she has given me. and she isn't this frail old grandmother who knits me sweaters or makes me cookies and all that jazz. she is not by any means your typical grandmother. please i pray i never end up like her.

manda b is coming home this weekend and i many go to see her for the night its been a long time and i really think it may do me some good.

Wednesday, June 7th, 2006

(bottom of the ocean)

Subject:Bitch Bitch Bitch
Time:2:42 pm.
i really need to get my life on track, i am so tired of being sad all the time. but no matter what i do i just can't seem to get myself out of this funk. i went on medication for awhile for depression and anxiety but one made me so physically ill from the side effects and one of the possible side effects was weight gain (thats just what someone who is depressed needs-weight gain) and i already gained enought so i stopped taking it, though it really did work and then i started taking another that didn't do anything so i stopped taking that. it doesn't matter anyway because i no longer have medical insurance so even if i wanted to try another i wouldn't be able to afford it. plus i am so nervous that my doctor thinks i am crazy because of me going in there all the time, but hey when you finally get insurance after not having it forever you are like a kid in a candy store you want to get everything that you have been ignoring checked now that you can afford it.

so anyway this weekend one of shauns best friends is getting married, to a girl i went to high school with. it should be fun but they are having it at 7pm, is that weird or is it just me? they are having it at mike (the grooms) house and shaun is in the wedding, ahhh dressing up is fun. i feel so old and then sometimes i feel so young, too young to get married anyway and its funny because i used to want to be married and have kids by the time i was 23 that was the plan. i am 25 now and i am happy that my plan fell through, i know i want to have kids but i don't know how i feel about marriage anymore. i don't know if its because i can't see myself marrying shaun or i just can't see myself getting married period.

i just finished reading "less then zero" has anyone seen the movie? totally different from the book, but aren't they always. anyhow one particular part in the book towards the end that made my skin crawl and it actually made me an(surprise surprise there). but really the last time i got like that about a book it was "a clockwork orange" with the rape. anyway i guess i was just bored and wanted to do some typing. i started to draw again, last night i went down to walmart and bought some pencils and colored pencils and started to draw. i remember that a lot of times when i was down i would draw or do some painting it really helped me relax...so we will see i guess.

Sunday, June 4th, 2006

(1 sunken treasure | bottom of the ocean)

Subject:family trips make me want to die
Time:9:13 pm.
the last family vacation i remember going on i think i was about 12 or 13 and it was to hershey park in pa, we (my mother, sister, brother, grandmother aunt and i went). our vacations almost always involved my grandmother because my father usually had to work so my mother always brought at least one other adult to help man the troops. it was during that vacation that my brother and sister fought well beyond the normal acceptable amount, we actually got grounded while on vacation, my grandmother acted more like a child then an adult, and i was a teenager and hated being seen with my family and also learned i was lactose intolerant. the reason that i remember it as the last vacation we ever went on is because on the way back from it my mother told us "i am never taking you guys on another vacation ever again. and she never did. until this weekend...the georgia trip for my brother's graduation. and this time my father came and my grandmother stayed home.

i really think that if there is a god he/she absolutely hates me and loves to make me miserable. to start all of us had a horrible head cold, so there was lots of coughing, and clearing of throats and flem and tissues and clogged ears and just plain sickness. getting up at 3:30am on friday to be on the road by 4am. an extremely small car that had to fit four cranky sick people and a dog which as you guess makes for very cramped sleeping quarters and a very hard way to sleep the hours away. and this time though the reasons for the frequent bathroom visits on my part were not due to my lactose intolerance but rather to my ever decressing bladder capacity, which makes a 15 1/2 hour ride (we took some short cut this time so it wasn't 18 hours yay!) seem ever longer. we also brought my parents tea cup chawawa peanut who wasn't too bad really until on the way back home.

georgia however was beautiful when we finally got there at 8pm, it wasn't really humid and the house my brother lives in with his three other friends not only had a inground pool but also a tennis court. however i forgot my bathing suit, but why wouldn't i. i also got to meet my brother's girlfriend who is absolutely beautiful, and has red hair, like my brother, has a sence of humor as well as is able to maintain an intelagent conversation. the graduation was really short only an hour because they have the different majors all graduate in different buildings which really cuts the time down. we ended going out to dinner to a japanese habatchie restaurant which was really good. my brother looks so happy and at home there and i really wish i could have stayed longer, but once we finally started to relax we had to get up at 3:30 on sunday to start the drive home.

now the trip home is when the real fun begins and i am going to make a long story short or at least try to it starts out where we are making good time i drove through south and half of north carolina, we stop eat and breakfast, my father drives eventually we get lunch, 1st mistake because my sister wanted arby's in maryland of all stupid places which she got, and ended up giving her diarhea and caused us for once to stop on more then 2 occassions so she could use the bathroom rather then so i could use it. my mother is now driving and we get lost a couple of time and then when we finally get back on track and almost get home at about 6:40pm we are just passing the new paltz exit and after our very last bathroom break we hit a major traffic jam. a traffic jam that turns into one that lasts 2 hours. which i now have to pee again, and am holding tight, we are in the left lane which the radio tells us to stay there because the accident is in the right lane, but you of course have those geniuses who think they will dive as far as they can in that lane and then cut someone off in the left lane when the right ends. remember this for later. any how now along with me having to go pee so does peanut and she eventually does on my fathers lap, then my father and some asshole who tries to cut my mother off from the right lane, and tells her "she is a piece of work because she won't let him in, mind you its been a long stressful time and my mom is extremely exhausted and pissed off plus this asshole wasn't very nice. eventually he calls her a stupid bitch and tries to inch in almost hitting our rental on several occassions, now my father starts going at it with this guy and they are screaming in each others faces while driving, i start screaming for the guy to go fuck himself. i would have gotten out of the car but only minutes before this incident, i had to pee in a bottle because it was that or in my pants. which i ended up not aming too well and peeing on them anyway so i was in my underwear and a sweater wrapped around my waist. my mother now scared that my father is going to beat the piss out of this guy drives around cars on the left side and finally gets infront of one and we eventually make it home. the moral is my father said he is never doing this again, going on vacation...and i am sure he is right. ah good times, good times...only in my life.

traffic jam

Saturday, May 27th, 2006

(1 sunken treasure | bottom of the ocean)

Subject:brain cloud
Time:12:11 am.
does anybody remember joe versus the volcano? and how meg ryan is three different people, a brunette, redhead and a blonde....so bad, but it is so bad that i can't stop watching it...can't look away! so at the last minute i decided that i was not going to go with andrea and luke down to long island this weekend because i couldn't really afford it and wasn't in the mood to ride in a car for 4 hours. plus i was kinda nervous because i would have been seeing ricky and pj now known as mark and everyone and i haven't seen them in about 3 years(has it really been that long?). can you really get nervous to see old friends? if your me i guess you do. instead i opted to stay home for the weekend and just lay low, basically prepare myself for the 18 hour ride i have to do next weekend...shit!

so in honor of that laying low, i went with my cousin and her boys to kingston to help her pick out a dress for her friends wedding which is tomorrow and she decided at the last minute she did not like what she was wearing. on the way down i got a call from rick wondering when i would be there and once i told him i was not coming he told me they were all waiting for me and i ruined his life...i laughed...i should have gone, oh well next time, thats the great thing about not really having a job no real committments so you can plan whatever you want whenever you want really.

anyway back to my shopping trip and how adorable my cousin's kids are, jason is 6 now and kayden is 2 and has the curliest hair i have ever seen. kayden was my pal the whole time and wanted to go everywhere with me which included the bathroom, which gave me a little insite to what life would be once i had kids of my own, privacy goes right out the door. he is so funny at one point i told him that his butt stunk and his mother needed to change his diaper when she got done trying on a dress, to which he told me "no my diapers are in the ca". i also told him his mother stunk because she farted in the car and he said "no your mother stinks" ahhh it makes me want to go make babies this very night...almost. jason is becoming such a handsome little guy, and he is so quiet and sweet.

i have been dieting for the past few days and doing really well i lost 2.4LBS which i am pretty excited about, but i still have quite a way to go. so tomorrow shaun instead of doing real work is going to be the dd for his boss, wife, her sister and sister's husband, which means i get the house all to myself to me thats a gift in and of itself. don't get me wrong i love him and everything but sometimes i need my space because we are together all the time...i guess thats what happens when you live with someone. i get to sit out on the balcony all day long and read my book and watch the farmers work...lets pray there is a breeze so i can really enjoy my day.

okay time for me to go to sleep.

Wednesday, May 24th, 2006

(2 sunken treasures | bottom of the ocean)

Subject:Bling Bling
Time:9:44 pm.
i have come to the conclusion that it is going to be so hard for me to go back to a 9-5 job working 40 hours a week once i finally find a job. right now i work only 20 hours a week and i make almost, depending on the week, the same amount of money, sometimes more sometimes less in half the timethat i was just making. if it wasn't for the fact that i am a 25 year old hostess/busgirl with a bachelor's degree i wouldn't really care. that and the fact that i keep seeing people i grew up and went to school withs parents at the diner asking me "so what else are you doing besides this?" and when i tell them "nothing, this is it until i find something else" and the looks they give me like, well atleast my kid isn't a busgirl, they are so much better then that. i keep hearing about friends who are getting married and who are having kids, jobs that they love and make good money doing and i am mildly jealous, thinking that's supposed to be my life. i am not saying that i am not happy for these people good for them they deserve it. but so do i, i keep trying new things and nothing seems to stick.

in the three years almost 4 since i have graduated from new paltz i have been: a hostess, a sales girl for a coffee company, a antique restorator, a aftercare cordinator and a busgirl/hostess again i can't seem to find anything i love doing. i put in applications, call about jobs and still nothing why even bother going to college i should have just graduated high school and got a job working somewhere and work my way up the corporate ladder, i see more sucess stories with people that do that then go to college. my cousin paid over $80,000 for his education got his masters degree and is now making $65,000 a year his girlfriend on the other hand didn't go to college got a job at a bank out of high school and makes $60,000 a year! shaun makes more then i do and he has his ged. i am by no means saying that people without college degrees shouldn't make good/great money too, but when it is stressed to you that you need to go to college and get a degree in order to get a good/great paying job it is kind of a slap in the face. degrees are useless your best bet is to go to a trade school and that way not only do you get certified in that field but you also get some experience. i think people should wait before they go to college now too at least a few more years, work and save your money. that way you can figure out what it is you really want to do and can have a small cushion for while you are there and when you get out until you find that great job you are promised with that degree.

i know i sound like a bitter person, like money is everything, its not, but when everything is so expensive and there are shows like cribs and fabulous life of... how can you not be disappointed by the megar wages you make. it's disgusting that people can watch these shows it just makes no sense that so many people in this country are starving and so poor and here we put shows on tv about how the rich live and spend their millions of dollars on 12 cars and overly enourmous houses and $5,000 shirts and we watch it, making the rich richer just for being rich. all i want is to make enough money to be comfortable go on vacation with my children(when i have them) at least once a year and have a small savings and enough money to retire comfortably at 60. is that too much to ask? apparently.

in other news i am hungry, take 5's are one of my new favorite things in life and may have a small hand in why i can not lose the 15 pounds i have picked up in the past year, that and the fact that i quit smoking and was working at a job that involved sitting in a vehicle most of the day oh and also could have something to do with my boyfriend with the extremely health appetite who has also packed on about 25 extra pounds...can we say comfortable. ah life.

okay enough of my bitching and for the few who read this i am sorry but shaun hates to hear this and i am sure you know why but this is my way of getting some things off my chest. jazz hands!!!

Sunday, May 21st, 2006

(bottom of the ocean)

Subject:unemployed and loving it, sorta
Time:10:47 pm.
its been forever since i have updated my journal but there really hasn't been too much for me to write about. however i just bought a laptop computer and wanted to try it out. so lets do a quick little recap on my life, i quit my job, i think thats a bit habit forming for me lately, i have yet to keep a job for longer then a year. so i said goodbye to the shelter and went back to the diner temporarily until i figure out what i want to do. i would really be content to never work again, you know how everyone tries to stress getting a job doing something you love and get paid for it. crap, its all crap. i mean don't get me wrong thats great and all for those who can do that but its so incredibly hard. the reason i know is because i have obtained the most useless degree imaginable- art history. yet i keep trying things and end up not liking them so i am stuck between what to try next, which is basically whatever makes me the most money in the least amount of hours of work doing something that doesn't make me want to kill myself 7 out of the 8 hours i am working. any suggestions? i am considering going back to school to get my masters in teaching. maybe i will get a job having something to do with books which i have been reading a lot of these days, its like i am addicted to it, everytime i go to a bookstore i come home with a bag or 2 of books. probably not the best thing to do these days now that i am in the job hunting market.

shaun and i have an apartment in stuyvesant, strangely enough 5 minutes away from my parents. we moved in in october, its a one bedroom, with skylights,exposed beams and a balcony with the fantastic view of a cow farm...eat your hearts out!
it's really a beautiful apartment aside from the farm. i also have a cat, actually shaun has a cat and when we moved in together somehow the cat managed a way to work itself into the deal, lucky me.

my brother graduates college in a couple of weeks which i am excited about i love me some gorgia. however i do not love me some 18 hour drives with my parents and my sister. but there is an upside to that which is that my grandmother more then likely is not going to go the downside is that there is still a small chance she will. however he does also have a lady friend that i can not wait to meet, ah good times, good times. okay time for me to wrap this up.

Monday, July 4th, 2005

(bottom of the ocean)

Subject:Do You Like Pina Coladas? And Getting Caught In The Rain?
Time:12:37 am.
things have been pretty crazy in my neck of the woods lately and i really have no clue as to how my life manages to get so out of control. or maybe it just seems like its out of control to me, because from the outside it looks to everyone like i am finally getting my shit together, like i am making some pretty great progress, i have a new apartment, a new job that i like and an amazing boyfriend. so then why do i still feel like my life is nowhere close to what i want it to be? everytime i decide i want to do something new or change something, i may procrastonate for a while but i always manage to finally do it, but once i do i just don't feel as satisfied, or as furfilled as i thought i would, and i have no idea why that is?

maybe i am just crazy and because i am such a huge pessimist is has finally gotten the best of me and is taking over my life...who knows, and who really cares for that matter. but though i may play it off like it is no big deal to me in reality it is huge. i have been trying to work some of my shit out because i hate being so negative all the time it really is a waste, i don't get anywhere and it sure as hell doesn't make me feel any better, and yet sometimes i can't help going back to it like a nice warm spot in a compfy bed. i like my job a lot i like working with the women and the kids are great, but it's not what i thought it would be at all, i guess i had hoped for more counciling and less just hanging out. but i guess thats what a support system is you have to earn their trust first and then they will open up to me, and some have started a bit...i will learn as i go along i guess and my boss asked me last week if i would be interested in a full time position if she could get a grant for it, which for me would mean benifits(medical and dental possibly eye). hopefully it will work out, but i am not going to get excited about it until i know what the deal is...

oh well i hope everyone is having good lives and great july 4th's!!! i am tired i had a long day of sun, laughs and pina coladas

in the immortal words of aerosmith "come together right now over me"

Tuesday, June 14th, 2005

(bottom of the ocean)

Subject:Hide and Go Get It
Time:11:28 pm.
it feels like its been ages since i last updated and thats probably because it has been, but i guess thats good then because now atleast i have something to write about.

A Little Recap on Events that have occurred from some time in April up until now:

April 19th: Officially Quit Smoking
May 1st: Ria and I moved into our new appartment, this should be interesting
May 2nd: Our living room is taken over by huge plastic tubs that contain an abbundance of Ria's extremely exspensive designer clothes that in all seriousness are probably worth more then my life (e.i. $150 tank tops, and much much more)
May 15th: Decide I want to go for my Masters Degree in Women's Studies to eventually work in a Woman's Shelter, Rape Counciling Center or Planned Parenthood
May 19th: Have not smoked now for a month Yay Me!!!!
May 20st: Ria's boxes are still sitting in my fucking living room...i am starting to get annoyed
May 20th: Get the number from a friend for a few Domestic Violence Centers to call and see if I need to get my Masters to work at a Woman's Shelter
May 21st: Go to parents and get the third degree from my mom on when i am going to have babies. oh christ not this again!
May 25th: Call the number I recieved and find out that not only does a girl I know run the Columbia County section but that there is a part time position open, so I go and fill out the application
June 1st: Get called in for an interview
June 3rd: All that hair I was growing...yeah i cut it off and did some black highlights...its ehhhh. whatever its hair and it grows back...right manda (can you do layers?)
June 6th: I get a phone call that I got the job at the Center for Domestic Violence
June 7th: Started jogging, well jogging and walking...okay okay i jog for about a second and walk basically the rest
June 8th: Realized that its june 8th and some how in the midst of all this madness had completely missed my friends graduation from new paltz and feel like a total heel cause i love them all and really and truly intended to go. i am sorry!
June 13th: went and saw two people i love dearly neamed luke and andrea and went swimming in their pool and had a barbaque(well andrea's parents pool)
June14th:updating about my life and just got done jogging, for really this time, i have been doing it every night since i started and still not smoking!!!!
June 14th: was asked by my crazy grandmother if "shaun was the one and if i thought we would get married! oh god

*sometime in there my uncle died and i went to the most rediculous funeral ever...maybe there was a hell's angels biker procession of about 30 harley davidsons, witnessed not one but two really close fist fights, one involving a woman almost being torn of the back of a motorcycle and the other occurring right at the cemetary between my aunt and uncle( brother and sister my uncle jack who was the that had passed away...ahhhhhhhh only the demarest family can make a funeral entertaining....can we say classy! it makes me so proud to tell people my last name.

my brother is coming home for the summer but too late for my sisters graduation from high school...lucky bastard, but even so i am extrememly excited about having my bro around to make lovin fun...kidding. though i do miss him. my gradmother is not speaking to my mother again and i am convinced that she is losing her mind...meaning crazy...so kayla's grad party will be very interesting...i can not wait.

I think i hate being an adult...it can bite my ass and i am getting closer and closer to 30 which also means i am getting closer and closer to my high school reunion (ummm yeah only 4 years away!!!, god i am old)


in the immortal words of stevie nicks "stand back stand back, in the middle of my room i did not hear from you, its all right its all right"

Thursday, March 31st, 2005

(bottom of the ocean)

Subject:Rub a Dub Dub
Time:10:15 pm.
Mood: blah.
so i have been online for the past hour trying to find grad schools in the area that offer a master's degree in women's studies and much to my not so surprised self new paltz is not one of them, soooooooo back to square one. i think my best bet though is to call and try to make an appointment with my old advisor and see what she has to say...can you do that? well screw it if i can't i am still going to try. work has been so slow lately, which mean tips haven't been all that great but whatever something is better then nothing.

i called to make an appointment to get my hair re-highlighted today and began to wonder how much it was going to cost...so you tell me if this makes any sence: when i got it done in january it cost me $85 (well, karen, cause it was my secret santa gift for xmas from her) and that included a cut. to have them just trim my hair would have cost me $40 (when i called and inquired a few weeks ago, needless to say i paid $18 instead somewhere else) and when i had ria call back today and ask them after i had already made the appointment for just high-lights no cut they told her between $100-$150, how does that make any sence???? what the hell kind of bleach are they using that costs so fucking much? i think i will call again tomorrow and ask them just that.

sooo today while sitting outside with ria i decide to borrow her lighter to light my stupid cigarette and in doing so set my hair on fire! yeah because that asshole had the flame incredibly high...you would think that the near balding experience would make me really wanna quit, but nope i just kept on puffing away....asshole!

i hope ria gets home soon cause the house that she is watching has a hot tub and i want to go in that bitch...go figure i have been house sitting for karen now for about a year on and off and the first time ria does it that douche bag gets the one with the hot tub, pool table and fooze ball table...my house has a washer and dryer...wait so does ria's...damn.

on that note i am going to go sit in the window and watch until i see her pull in, i do have a key to the house but it's kinda creepy over there alone.

in the immortal words of survivor "it's they eye of the tiger"

Monday, March 28th, 2005

(1 sunken treasure | bottom of the ocean)

Subject:easter smeaster
Time:12:49 am.
today definitely did not feel anything like easter, i mean i went to my parents house and brought shaun with me because all his family lives in virginia and other places, and it was just my parents and sister. not like the good old days with my grandparents and my aunts and ucles and there kids, it was just like any other sunday really. i did however get $50 from my dad which is always a good thing. my brother was not there for the first year in his whole life which was really weird for me.

so next week i have karen's whole house to myself (the woman that i usually house sit for, i basically live with right now until ria and i get our apartment in may, its cheaper for me and is making more realistic for me to catch up on some of my bills). anyhow ria will be staying at the neighboring house across the street so this should be fun. i do get a little creeped out staying in this big house all by myself but i guess i have to grow up and be a big girl at some point and time.

i called ricky and pj this past weekend because i haven't talked to them in a while and have decided that i will be making a journey down to long island one of these up coming weekends. and ricky and i have come to an aggreement that he will meet me in the city to pick me up and save me the time and money of taking the bus...that should be very interesting, i have never been in a car with that ass behind the wheel. i feel like it is going to be a little weird, and who knows i may not want to come back upstate...yeah right.

other then that life is pretty much the same, i have come to the point where i want to update and then when it comes down to it i don't feel like i really have much to say that people really care about reading and so i decide to do other things like watch the telly, wow i am such a winner....but my hair is getting longer and i am goint to go get it done again soon and i went shopping the other day because sometimes a girl has to do that kind of thing inorder to make her life more interesting and feel good about herself...blah blah blah

in the immortal words of frou frou "let go, let go and jump in oh well whatch a waiting for cause there's beauty in the break down"

Tuesday, March 8th, 2005

(1 sunken treasure | bottom of the ocean)

Subject:House Bound
Time:8:40 pm.
i am really starting to dislike the winter weather which has decided to peer its ugly little head out of the wood work these past few weeks, why the fuck couldn't have come in say i don't know...december or january like it is supposed to, now wouldn't that have been a novel idea.

my battle with the big bad tabacco monster is currently an unwinning one, but in it's defense i haven't really been fighting all that much. it's sick when you know you hate the way you smell when you go to places and can smell the smoke in your clothes, it is gross really, yet i keep on puffing away. and it is going to be even harder when summer comes and it is so nice out and i sit outside at night...smoking is at its peak then. but i have decided that for real i am going to give myself a set date to quit which will be...no later then june 1st and no earlier then may 1st.

but in happier news i have recently become addicted to scratch offs, mainly cash word...they are just so much fun. ehhhh i don't know i guess the thought of winning money from doing nothing but scratching at a piece of paper is appealing to just about anyone.

okay well i am starting to bore even myself and these cashwords are calling my name.



some of these goals may be easier to obtain then others but what the hell...

in the immortal words of black eyed peas "shut up, just shut up, shut up"

Sunday, February 27th, 2005

(2 sunken treasures | bottom of the ocean)

Subject:cigarettes and coffee
Time:10:51 pm.
it is currently the 27th of february 10:51pm and i am discovering that i am a lazy loser. i have been on the computer now for the past two hours looking up apartments and jobs and have come up with about nothing. i think that i am going to do a little pretty woman action pretty soon...hey despirate times call for despirate measures. i mean come on its a dream come true just think about the thigh high boots that i would be able to wear...i would be all business.

so i have decided that i despirately need to quite smoking, but the harder i try the more i smoke. i think it possibly has something to do with the massive abundance of extra time i have on my hands and the fact that i have realized that these past few months of my life of partial employment has seem like years so i figure why not shave off a good 7 minutes a cigarette which comes to about 77 minutes a day, about 9 hours a week, gone less time to kill really, literally.

oh well but seriously i need to get motivated, i am still waiting for my test results to come back from taking that state exam, i know that i am probably number 980 on a call list of about 981 but at least i will be called before someone, but seriously i can always take it again, at least now i know what to exspect next time.

love life things are going swimmingly. ummm jake has now moved to vegas which i delt with pretty well i just pretend it did not happen and we are still friends, but for real. our one year anniversary would have been the 15th of this month and i delt with that as best as can be exspected. and i have come to realize that we are just in two totally different places in our lives. shaun is pretty great which is kind of unnerving cause i am just waiting for him to fuck up in some way shape or form because in my experience they always do. but for the most part he is better then chocolate. however he does have a cat which for some unknown godforsaken reason has taken a liking to me, i guess he did not get the memo that i am not particularly a animal person. god and i just have the feeling that i am going to end up having a fucking zoo in my home when i have kids cause i probably won't be able to say no to those cute little fuckers, who are we ki

i have been spending a lot of time at shaun's house which is also weird it kinda feels like when i was with ricky we are always together, and the really weird fucked up thing is they both have the same exact birthday and strange facination with putting on the ladies clothes, both loving it for the entertainment value of those who were fortunate enough to see it. ahhhh the good old days. i think i just miss the communal living aspect of college life, i hate being home alone now, which i used to love the first 9 months of living in my apartment, but here there are a bunch of people who live in the apartment buildings and the apartments on the hill so its nice.

ria and i are currently looking for an apartment to move in together since my lease is up in may, it should be fun even though she is quite the little slob, we'll see how that works out i guess.

i do cardio kick boxing now on monday nights, which is pretty fun, they also offer it on wednesday's but i am an asshole when it comes to the possiblily of missing my show which is "lost", the most amazing show in the world and i would miss the first 15 mins if i went wendensday and we can't have that. okay well enough droning on about my useless and uneventful life i must go entertain the boy or he will start crying.

SPECIAL THANKS TO AN AMANDA KRISTINE BURR: i love the cd and thank you, i am sorry i have not called and thanked you first hand but many of things have occurred in the past few weeks one of which being that ria's boyfriend ricky's sister passed away and things have been kinda crazy and just other not so sad life things.

in the immortal words of cory heart(ang a dedication to you) " i wear my sunglasses at night so i can, so i can...."

Monday, February 7th, 2005

(bottom of the ocean)

Subject:Good Times
Time:11:57 pm.
okay so i haven't updated in about two months...so lets see whats new with my good old wonderful life. nothing. absolutely nothing, ummm i am still only partiallly employeed at ria's parents place. i am also still wondering how long i can avoid paying my eletric bill until they cut me off...i am up to about $600, but i have a credit in my favor of $800 so i am not really worried about it. i went and took a state exam on saturday and i felt rediculously stupid walking out of it. i haven't done any math since high school and even then i was not in the most advanced classes, so about an hour into the exam i just started making guess based on the fact that "oh 15, i like the number 15" seriously. i could not believe it, i haven't felt this stupid since maybe art of ancient rome, heather, joey, ryan? remember that, ahh good times good times!
jake and i are not longer sharing body fluids, we haven't been for a little while now but i am currently sharing some with a new boy toy, which a majority of my buddys at mohonk house met, and i think he met their approval, which is good. he is a pretty good guy and i seem to be happy for the molment so we will just have to wait and see what happens.
my lease for my apartment is up in may which mean i need to get on the apartment hunting train very very soon, ria is considering getting one with me which would be fun, i miss the whole dorm experience and having people just down the hall from me. so tomorrow i get to work and ria's family is coming up with a man that they are trying to arrange a marriage with her. which should be pretty interesting. i am honestly excited, even thought i would never like that for myself i would be interested in seeing who my parents thought was a suitable choice for me.
okay well i gadda go i am sitting at sean's(my new boy toy) and the gents are waiting for me to join in on a game of darts.

in the immortal words paula abdule "staight up now tell me do you really wanna love me forever"

Wednesday, January 5th, 2005

(bottom of the ocean)

Subject:The Endless Abbyss
Time:3:12 pm.
okay i think i may know why i haven't been updating recently, it has nothing to do what so ever with my not having internet thus a computer in my apartment, its because i have the same stupid three picture options for this site for now over 2 years. and it really needs to be changed because i now look nothing like i did in the good old days. for instance my hair is blonde now...well not all of it but a good majority of it...it happens. oh well there is nothing i can do about it cause i don't have the means to change it even if i wanted to, the photos that is.

any way life...christmas was pretty good, i can definitely tell that i am getting older it just doesn't feel the same anymore, the lack of utter excitement to wake up in the morning to see what santa has brought me is a little disheartening. but then again i am 24 years old, it was bound to happen at some point and time i guess. i guess that means i should start popping out babies so that i can pass on this happy tradition. but to find a poor unsuspecting fool to trick into being my babies daddy...that will be hard, oh well. no but seriously christmas just does not feel the same anymore each year it goes by faster and faster, and seems less and less exciting.

last week on more then one occassion i was confronted with the fact that i am getting older and have no idea or direction for my life right now. i saw three people i went to high school with who were now married and found out that a girl i have grown up with known since kindergarten is now engaged. i on the other hand have a part time job working in a diner, live alone, have a degree i have no use for and my boyfriend of over a year is moving to las vegas next month. so needless to say i feel like my life as of late is a bit of a joke and have been in a little bit of a rut lately...okay little is an understatement a huge, enourmous, engulfing, endless abbyss of a rut.
oh well but such is life. maybe i'll join the circus or become a prostitute...which ever presents itself as a more meaningful option first.

in the immortal words of toto "hold the line, love isn't always on time"

LiveJournal for god's private joke.

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